By Deborah Holmen, M.Ed., NBCT, published in Change Becomes You
Throughout history, women have faced the challenge of learning their self-worth, often through the crucible of abusive relationships. Despite the progress made towards gender equality, the reality of abusive relationships persists. However, with continued support and empowerment, women are increasingly finding the strength to break free from these destructive cycles and reclaim their self-worth.
I was one of them. It still seems surreal to me. I was able to get out of an abusive marriage, though it took longer than I had expected. Protecting my child was first and foremost; getting out safely was another concern.
I learned a lot about the process and perspective needed to finally find my self-worth and leave. I’ll never regret my decision. I am healthier, stronger and happier for it.
Before you take the quiz below to assess your relationship, it’s crucial to recognize and address potential issues. I saw the signs but excused them for whatever reason until he took it too far.
Understanding your relationship is an important step in ensuring it is healthy and supportive.
Understanding Abusive Relationships
An abusive relationship is characterized by patterns of behavior in which one partner exerts power and control over the other. Although I mention women, this can also affect men, as well. This abuse of control can manifest as physical, emotional, psychological, or financial abuse.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, abuse can include:
Physical violence (hitting, slapping, choking)
Emotional abuse (manipulation, threats, constant criticism)
Psychological abuse (gaslighting, isolation, intimidation)
Financial control (restricting access to money, withholding financial information)
Understanding the Past and Present Data
Historically, societal norms often minimized the severity of domestic abuse, relegating it to a “private matter.” However, pioneering studies in the 20th century, such as those by Dr. Lenore Walker in her book “The Battered Woman,” shed light on the cycle of abuse and its psychological impact.
Recent statistics reveal the persistent nature of this issue:
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), approximately 1 in 3 women worldwide have experienced physical or sexual violence, primarily by an intimate partner.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) reports that in the United States, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner, equating to over 10 million women and men annually.
Encouragingly, a study by the Domestic Violence Resource Center found that approximately 75% of women who leave abusive relationships report significant improvements in their well-being and safety. This statistic is a beacon of hope, showing that a better, safer life is possible after leaving an abusive relationship.
Quiz: Assessing the Level of Abuse in Your Relationship
Understanding the level of abuse is the first step towards reclaiming your self-worth. Take this 10-question quiz to assess your situation:
1. Does your partner frequently criticize or belittle you?
2. Do you feel afraid of your partner most of the time?
3. Does your partner isolate you from friends and family?
4. Have you been physically hurt by your partner?
5. Does your partner control your finances or make all financial decisions without consulting you?
6. Do you often feel guilty or responsible for your partner’s actions?
7. Does your partner threaten to harm you, themselves, or others if you leave?
8. Are you constantly trying to avoid making your partner angry?
9. Does your partner monitor your whereabouts or communications?
10. Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner?
Rating System:
0–3 “Yes” Answers: Your relationship may have some issues that can escalate, and changes need to occur. Consider seeking counseling to address any concerns and start an escape plan.
4–6 “Yes” Answers: You are experiencing multiple signs of abuse. It’s essential to seek support and explore your options.
7–10 “Yes” answers: You are in an abusive relationship. Immediate action is crucial to ensure your safety.
Steps to Safely Exit an Abusive Relationship
1. Create a Safety Plan:
Identify a safe place to go if you need to leave quickly.
Have a packed bag with essentials (clothes, documents, money) stored somewhere accessible. I kept my crucial essentials locked in my classroom.
Know your exit routes and plan how to leave the house safely.
Most importantly, know the LAW in your state. If you leave state boundaries with children, you may be creating more issues with taking a child away from another parent without proper documentation.
2. Seek support:
Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support groups.
Contact local domestic violence shelters or hotlines for advice and resources.
Work with a counselor to receive support for your mental wellness and to help identify steps to avoid detrimental relationships.
3. Document the Abuse:
Keep a journal of abusive incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions.
Save any threatening messages, emails, or voicemails.
If you have physical marks, bruises, etc., document those with photos and all paperwork from doctor’s visits.
Many hospitals are aware of signs of abuse in women and children, but be sure to reach out if you can.
4. Legal Assistance:
Obtain a restraining order or protective order if necessary.
Consult with a lawyer to understand your rights and options. This was crucial for me to protect myself and my daughter. Some lawyers offer free consultations, so be sure to check in your area.
5. Financial Preparation
Open a separate bank account and start saving money. I set one up and put my daughter as the beneficiary, just in case.
Gather critical financial documents (bank statements, property deeds, etc.)
Special Considerations for Children
If children are involved, additional steps are necessary to ensure their safety and well-being. I was grateful I was given this advice since each state may have different laws that could make things difficult if you leave without considering specific circumstances.
Safety Plan for Children: It’s essential to teach children how to call for help and identify a safe place to go during an emergency. I practiced this with my daughter, but when she was younger, it was more about general safety since it wasn’t appropriate to tell her about the abuse due to her young age.
Custody and Legal Rights: Consult with a lawyer to understand your custody rights and ensure legal protections for your children. I did this to ensure I was protecting myself and my daughter.
Emotional Support: It is important to seek counseling or therapy for your children to help them process and cope. I regret waiting to do this, as we felt she had school counselors to talk to. However, finding a counselor adept in this area is crucial outside the school venue.
Reclaiming your self-worth from an abusive relationship is a courageous journey. By understanding the nature of abuse, assessing your situation, and taking proactive steps to ensure your safety, you can break free from the cycle of abuse and build a healthier, more empowering future. Remember, you are not alone — support is available, and your well-being matters.
Resources:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1–800–799–7233 (SAFE) https://www.thehotline.org/
- Domestic Violence Resource Center: www.dvrc-or.org
- Women’s Aid (UK): www.womensaid.org.uk
Together, we can empower the female collective to recognize their worth and live free from abuse.
Deborah Holmen’s inspirational memoir, It Takes a Lot of Sh*t to Grow Beautiful Flowers: A Gardener’s Guide to Life, shares her journey of the challenges — or sh*t we all go through — and turns it into a beautiful life. Available in bookstores now.
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